Flóra describes her shocking, yet encouraging journey, how even during a serious illness she was able to trust in God, to believe unwaveringly, and even to give hope to others.
My relationship with God began in my childhood due to my upbringing. My relationship with Him became stronger and stronger as I grew up, however, I can mostly connect my testimony to my journey of the cross that started in 2017.
It all started when, at the age of 19, I donated blood for the first time in my life to help others. I didn't feel well that day either, but that's natural when 4 dl of blood is taken from a person. The next day I got the flu, I didn't even go to school for two weeks, I missed the taping, I might add, and I didn't mind the latter that much. When I was starting to feel better - of course on the weekend, at other times - my lower back started to hurt... then the pain crept down to my thighs, knees, and even my ankles. In one night, I was paralyzed from the waist down from the unrelenting pain. Neither lying down nor sitting nor standing was good, I suffered, I could barely move, I couldn't eat or drink. After three days of suffering, my family doctor referred me for a blood test on Monday. Everyone can imagine what I must have looked like if an old lady in the waiting room looked at me and told me to go in instead of her...
Seeing the results of the blood test, they immediately called the ambulance to take him to the hospital in Veszprém. By that time, they were already pushing me around in a wheelchair, but I still thought that it was only because of the flu, there was no need to take it in, it was unnecessary.
After infusions and painkillers, even in the "lying down" amoeba, the thought grew stronger in me that there was nothing wrong with me, I could go home.
Seeing my good mood, my father left for work, and later I heard his voice again in the corridor... "He forgot something here again," I thought to myself.
He entered the hospital room with a serious face, sat down, took my hand and looked at me with a veiled gaze. He was followed by two doctors:
• Flora, you have leukemia! The situation is bad, but not hopeless... – was the verdict.
• She will have chemotherapy, her hair will fall out…
• It's okay, I'll give it to someone as a gift - was the first sentence that came out of my mouth. And the second is that I am certain that I will recover, no matter how bad my chances are.
My thought was that this is not possible, this cannot happen to me. I made sure that as soon as I get to Szent László hospital in Budapest for treatment, they will look at me like I'm crazy and tell me that I'm fine, that I've been misdiagnosed.
Then came the first night in the hospital, the pain-relieving effect wore off, and as I went to the bathroom, using the infusion stand as a rollator, I realized that no one would say that I was healthy, that the diagnosis was valid.
On my first night alone, under the cross of a terminal illness, I was caught by the depressing thought of death and fear. Then I said:
"God, I place myself in your hands, I accept it, may my fate be according to your will, but please be with me so that I can be strong, give me strength so that I am not afraid!"
– and God heard me.
I felt his presence, I always had the strength to survive the given day, and every day there were moments for which I could give thanks in the evening. I was able to stay positive, not to be afraid, and I started to feel that there was a purpose to my illness. It started to develop that I talk to patients and hospital workers, that the people involved like to be in my company. Knowing my high school articles, my relatives encouraged me to blog. I listened to them. My writings reached more and more patients, even Hungarians across the border, fellow sufferers treated abroad, and those who wanted to give up, but after reading my story and attitude, they were once again overwhelmed by the will to live.
My relationship with God helped me to realize that my Way of the Cross can be meaningful, that I can help others with it.
Another defining element of my story was the transplant. A stem cell transplant, which I could not live without today. For a long time, it was an indescribable feeling for me to know that I really have a guardian angel who helps me, who paves the way for my recovery from above. And this guardian angel is none other than my grandfather. My grandfather died exactly one year before my transplant. My grandfather's last night was May 15, 2017, the first night of my new life was May 15, 2018. I felt that he was with me, watching over me, he was there in the sterile box at the edge of my bed, when the new life I received from the Swedish donor dripped into my sick body through my cannula. God sent him that day to be with me, to hold my hand.
The third and unmissable element of my journey of the cross, my witness, is the moment when I was given the choice to stay alive or to rest.
My body stiffened, I lost control over it, my reflexes stopped, and my soul was imprisoned. I could not command my muscles, move my limbs. I was in great pain, exhausted, my weak and dying body wanted rest.
All of a sudden, all the pain stopped, gradually the external noises, the hustle and bustle around me - silence and peace took over.
I felt on a thin line between life and death, where I could decide whether to rest or carry on the painful cross. God offered me a choice, I could choose with free will.
"It would be nice to rest, get rid of the pain, but I can't... I can't do it with my family. And I have plans, I want to travel, have experiences; climbing mountains, swimming with whales, sleeping in the open air, flying, doing good things, loving... I can't die! God, I want to live!”
– as the thoughts ran through me and I decided that I wanted to stay alive, not to rest, I got the pain back. I used to say that if it hurts, at least I feel alive. It is interesting how a person can enjoy pain when he realizes that it is really an element of physical reality. I received from God the grace of choice, and also the lesson for life that in the final hour, a person will regret the most not what he did, but shouldn't have done, but what he didn't do and didn't say, but should have .
The word "I love you" is a much more significant expression than we think in healthy everyday life.
I was given a new life through God's love, so that I could help others with what I learned during my journey of the cross.
Featured Image: Illustration/Pixabay.com
