How can a family atmosphere be created in which the grandparent can be a great asset?
The role of grandparent can be a life task as well as a joy and a crisis. Living conditions change, more and more physical limitations may appear, and the grandparent has to deal with new challenges. At the same time, a child appears again in the focus, which revives the experiences and possible failures of raising children. It is worth handling these relived roles with great sensitivity, otherwise it can lead to many conflicts, misunderstandings, and rejection. Grandparents can experience again that they are active – a creator, creator of life. You can pass on the value, value system and worldview accumulated during your life to a new generation. But the question arises, isn't this the parent's responsibility?
The unity of father and mother
The answer is that there are many ways to live well in a large family and to handle the changed roles and living conditions well. The most important thing is that no matter where the boundaries of grandparent and parenting competences lie, it should be comfortable and acceptable for the members of the family. There are many ways in which a large family can create a balance that everyone is satisfied with, but through a few examples taken from experience, it is still possible to identify principles and directions for harmonious family relationships.
The unity of father and mother, their relationship, is the most important, and this is the starting point. If the parent couple raises their child from this unity and communicates to the grandparents from this common base, then the message can be interpreted more easily for the outside world as well. Moreover, the child will be able to grow up safely in this consistency. Accepts and adapts to the parenting style of the parent couple. Simply put, the couple must be in unity with each other, especially with regard to family rules and boundaries. The grandparent can help this unity by being open to the new perspective and thoughts of the younger generation. If you use your greater life experience in such a way that you are able to be present and support, then you can also stay in the background and strengthen the unity of the parent couple. Due to his life experience, his responsibility is perhaps greater in this sensitive joint dance.
Moreover, the grandparent has a difficult task, since in many areas of life he has more experience than his children. However, they have to handle this accumulated knowledge very delicately. They have to keep in mind that your children are adults and are capable of making well-thought-out, responsible decisions. It is worth suggesting and giving advice if the parents ask for it. This view is true in other areas of life as well, in the most diverse communication situations. Often, all we need is for the other person, or we, to be listened to and listened to. We are not waiting for solutions or advice, but we are fighting for sympathy and attention. So that the person we want to connect with, the person we are communicating with, should be open to me and be happy or suffer with me.
The parents also have a great responsibility. Wherever you mark the boundaries of the family, they must represent this uniformly and consistently to the grandparents and the outside world. The "how" is important. It is lucky if the parents talk about their own needs and wants. They tell you what would help them, what they need. If they can talk about their feelings, it is a clear message for the extended family as well. "It would give me security that...", "I would be most happy if...", "I'm afraid if...". You can argue with these sentences, but it doesn't bring much results. No one will feel safe at the click of a button, and we are not able to be happy or sad at the word of command or nice requests.
Listening gives rise to understanding and liberation, in which the grandparent becomes a great asset
If the grandparent is also able to articulate his inner world and feelings in this way, the parents are more likely to understand him. Based on experience, the lack of honest conversations can be the breeding ground for a lot of perceived or real hurt, anger, and rage. However, if all actors in the conflict tell their own motivations, then the other party will understand what happened and why. Listening breeds understanding and liberation. It helps a lot with this if we ask. We ask what and why the other party is doing, since we are not mind readers. Although we often try to do this, experience shows that it is more worthwhile to ask the parent or grandparent what and why they say or do, instead of making judgments and building camps of experts. Open, benevolent questions help with this. Fundamentally, if it is difficult to set boundaries, then everyone has to confront their own parents, and it is not worth talking negatively about the parents of our couple, because no matter what they are, they will still be his parents and the children's grandparents.
In this open and caring atmosphere, the grandparent is a great asset. After all, he may have knowledge and experience that the new parenting couple does not yet have. Grandparents can also relive their own parenthood. You can mourn your own role as a parent and enjoy the beauties of your new life task. Approaching retirement age, you can now experience your creativity in a different activity. It is important that at this point you can do all this with the certainty that you have learned from your own mistakes and errors, and now you can pass on all this knowledge to your grandchildren with sufficient finesse. Reshaped a little in himself, maybe a little differently than he did in his previous inexperience, so he can give something more beautiful, something better.
Author: Zoltán Dobrai / mkdsz.hu
Photo: Balázs Mohai / MTI
