"I always thought of a God who gives us religious dogmas, deprives us of all kinds of freedom, wants to bring boring people to Himself, but I didn't want a boring life. Then God began to speak to me... He is the only one in whose presence I felt safe for the first time in my life." The touching testimony of Kíra Kubus.
"All my life, since I was a child, I have been chasing freedom. I never liked what was mandatory, what was a rule, I always escaped from it, never out loud, yet there was a very deep inner rebellion in me. If they ordered me to do something, I ran away from home, I punished my parents by not letting them know about me for days.
Actually, I had an amazingly big fear inside me all the time, but I tried to cover it with a crust so that no one could see it. I didn't want to seem vulnerable, I didn't want anyone to know what was inside of me, and I completely shut myself off from my emotions. I didn't like being around people, I thought that being antisocial was just the way I was. But really, I was just mistrustful. I didn't like people wanting to connect with me very deeply, and I learned how to build relationships without making a big deal out of it.
At home, our life was quite chaotic, my family began to fall apart, my parents divorced. Unfortunately, addictions also ran in the family. I had a sister, and I felt at that moment that I really loved her alone and wanted to take care of her.
Somehow, I always knew that God existed, but in my head it was more like a God who gives religious dogmas, deprives us of all kinds of freedom, and wants to bring boring people to himself, but I didn't want a boring life.
I wanted to not be told by some higher power up there what to do, and I thought that I would tread the path to freedom.
But I prayed for a sister because I felt very alone during this period and I wanted an accomplice by my side. I gave God a specific description of what kind of sister I wanted - right, the heart of a child, with a lot of faith in it - and he gave me such a sister one by one. In the end, it was this little girl who, at the age of about 3, was introduced to a Christian community by one of her classmates, and invited me there as well. I went, and although I was a little skeptical about whether I had anything to earn here, I still longed for the presence of God, knowing that He existed.
I went in, sat down, and as I listened to the sermon, God began to speak to me. It was very strange for me, that God is a person, that He speaks to me. That someone who designed the entire universe, everything that lives in it, wants to talk to me, who rebels, who goes against everything.
He spoke to me with a love I had never experienced before.
I began to see that the heavenly reality does not have the same rules as here. It doesn't work like that if I do something wrong, then God will hit me right in the head with the Bible and send me on. He showed me that He loves me much more than leaving me in the mess that I had already prepared around me by then, and started challenging me about things.
At that time, however, there was still a very big rebellion in my heart, so I went back and forth about my things, I started partying, smoking, going towards men, but there was already a very strong awareness that I knew the living God. I know how He is, and I know how He speaks to me, and I know that He is the only one in whose presence I felt safe for the first time in my life. I felt guilty because I knew that God did not accuse me. I knew that Jesus Christ came to earth and took my sins, my shame, all my diseases so that I would not be condemned. I was chasing adrenaline, I wanted something to warm me, something to burn me, but I started to feel that I was burning, but not from what I should.
I turned back to God, then everything around me felt very dark, and in my heart I saw only unconscious darkness. I looked up and told God that if you can still take me back and want to, then I'm here, even though I wouldn't take myself back anyway. And all I felt was a gentle, kind voice coming and saying I want it.
If you feel this gentle, kind voice calling you, all you really have to do is make Jesus Lord over your life. You ask him to forgive the sins you have committed and to give you eternal life. He already did.
He took the first step even before you were born.
I encourage you to believe that there is no sin that God cannot forgive, and there is no problem that He does not understand, because He experienced everything, He was a man of pain, He took everything upon Himself. He is the only one who really understands what happened to you, and he wants to know because he wants to know your heart.”
